Hi Peeps! Spread Positivity!! :)

Thursday, October 29, 2009


I used to love Halloween. When I was a child, my father was southern baptist pastor, I wasn't allowed to watch secular cartoons or go trick or treating. Erego, as an adult, I fell in love with Halloween!!!!

My ex-husband and I half planned an elaborate Halloween dress-up wedding. Then he dragged me to the county clerk becuz I was too psychotic about getting everything planned on time.

Before he left us, Hallowed Eve 2007, we dressed up kid in 3 different costumes. Yes, 3. My child isn't spoiled or anything. But at least she was 9 and could appreciate it! When else is it appropriate to have costume changes?? (Besides maybe you're wedding, and Halloween is as fabulous as a wedding, but annual!!!)

But in '08 he left us in August, and we were basically homeless in October. Kid dressed up as Sharpay from HSM and I was at work. Extended family took her to get her sugar rush.

This year, I haven't been feelin it. I've been just so angry as this was always OUR favorite holiday. The ex-husb and I even painted our whole house red & black and vampire themed. And that was for year-round!!!

I guess boyfriend's always carved pumpkins, so we knew we were gonna do that, and I really wanted to give Kid a normal experience. So we bought pumpkins and carved them. Kid carved about 2 inches worth of the design and gave up. I carved it for her. It was my first carving experience!!! I did AWESOME!! I did Zero. Boyfriend did Jolly Roger or something like that.

AND I get to be all Martha Stewart and bake pumpkin seeds because boyfriend eats anything edible, so that will get to be his snack tomorrow!!!

Yesterday, boyfriend annoyed me to talk to him (He hates when i'm "quiet")... Shortly after I started talking to him... He announced I was


NOT a sexual comment. He was actually stating that I was obnoxiously bothering him to the point that his inner dragon was AWAKENING!!

Later in bed:
Boyfriend: How are we gonna split the monies when you get a job?

Me: You'll pay all the bills, and whatever you can't afford, I'll pay.

Boyfriend: That's not fair... wait for it... cuz I might need spending money sometimes.
Me: What for?
Boyfriend: Cuz what if I want to....wait for it... buy a GAME or something?





I love my gamer.

I wish I could be vegetarian. I fucking wish. I swear y'all I'm trying. I swear.

Nat's Nest wrote a blog with a post to CNN's article on MEAT. Go fucking read it.

Then send me your vegetarian recipes that my kid might actually eat.

I can't remember anything else to write.

I used to be smart. OH YEAH, I found my best friend from college (I only went one year before I dropped out and got knocked up) on facebook, and she & I had a grand ole time remembering the old days... And she reminded me: I DID used to be smart.
Here's a pic of us. Drinking. At a Halloween party!!! LOOOVE halloween!
But I'm determined to re-do this blog site so that the angles aren't all jenky.
I have to write up the dimensions, I know.
But someday, you'll see, It'll be allllll purtyful here!!!!
So dress up and smile your best. Spook someone. Let a spider live free. Watch the Addams Family.
Enjoy Halloween!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Take your pills children

I dont want to type, but always hallucinate I'm blogging.

I do re-writes and edits.

It's sick I know.

Essentially, for the past 10 days or so, I've been missing/skipping 1 of the 2 doses of my daily meds. Not on purpose. I forget.

I have to take it with food (Lithium alone = gut wrenching pain & light-headedness), and I don't usually eat until lunch or dinner.

Having said that.... Not taking Lithium correctly... Well folks, it's not recommended.

Example A: Boyfriend takes kid and I to Dollar Tree for Halloween cards for our few remaining loved ones in California, and then to Winco to buy remaining grocery list and pumpkins to carve! (No time till the last minute, right??)
In portland, it seems to have always rained just a little bit earlier, so the roads are always kinda wet.... And boyfriend's driving.. well it aint so good. And Kid? She seems to not have the Mute button on her mouth once again.
I thought I was going to throw myself out of the car, or walk home before we even got to the 1st store. I kept saying "IM NOT IN THE MOOOD", but they didn't seem to get it.

Much later, I did tell boyfriend about missed doses and he immediately backed off. In Fear.
But, I couldn't tell them while i was IN my mini-attack, because I could just FEEL the TEARS right at the ducts, just waiting for me to say something about my fragile emotional state so they could POUR out everywhere, giving away my secret of lack of control over my OWN DAMN EMOTIONS.

I had a job interview today.

But the people put me in a room by myself for a few minutes before they came in to interview me.

I almost left. It was horrid. I was doubled over and rocking. I was soo nervous.

I DID learn my lesson.

Today, I ate daughter's bagel for breakfast so I could cram my pills into my gullet.

And I took the 2nd dose at dinner time, when i would NORMALLY be just remembering my 1st dose!!!

Yay for me!!!

Maybe by next week, I'll be back to myself, and I won't think boyfriend doesn't love me anymore. (I mean, does everyone's boyfriends play with themselves on such a regular basis???)

p.s. He's quite the little computer buff, so if he figures out my password, which i need to remember to change right now, or my site address, then HI HONEY, I LOVE YOU.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Not dead yet!

Sooooooo I'm STILL sick. I have officially been in Oregon 5 1/2 weeks, and have been sick all but ONE of those weeks. WEAK. My old coworker says my immune system took a hit from the stress of the move. I'm apt to believe her. Cuz otherwise, I'd have swine flu. And I don't. I never had a fever. I had one week of really feelin allright, and then daughter woke me up at 5:30 a.m. coughing all over me.

I've given myself till the end of this week to be better. I'm mostly better. I still have this cough, as if I'm still a smoker. In fact, if I still smoked, this would all make sense!

Apparently swine flu is going around boyfriend's work. Like REAL bad. Even one employee DIED from it. So they're shuttin the place down this weekend to decontaminate. But until then, everyone just has to keep workin. And boyfriend was a premie so he has a weak immune system, so if he gets it, it's CURTAINS! Except... the guy who sits next to him actually is HIV positive, so HE'S super-pissed! If they miss any work, they get fired. Soooooo..... go to work... possibly die.... What more can you ask for for $10/hour right?

So thus far in Oregon, I have.... bombed two interviews MISERABLY.

The most important thing is: I'm learning to deal with my jealousy issues. I get so psycho mad at boyfriend..... But it's my issues that are causing it. My husband left me 14 months ago. Just decided to not be with me anymore. And because of him, I have doubt in all men.

Boyfriend got a card from California. And damnitall if it wasn't all addressed to him in a GIRL'S handwriting. It took everything I had not to open it...... Thank God it was hours before he came home.... I just had to learn to TRUST him and to trust that he loves ME. It was from his old church group in Calif.

I have to learn to let go and to allow him to have a past and to have friends and acquaintances. It's honestly taking quite a bit.

But.. he's pretty awesome. Like a golden retriever. Every morning wakes up and tells me he loves me.

We have this apartment. And his mom put down an additional $350 pet fee deposit (so i was told) when boyfriend moved in.... First we had boyfriend's two dogs, but they didn't like it here, so they went back to cali to be w/ wicked mother. Then we had my two dogs, but one of my dogs.... well he just wasn't quite right... And we didn't have the money to take him to the vet to take care of his skin condition, blah blah blah. So we took him to the humane society (which has a 99% adoption rate), so hopefully he'll find his place with a really old woman.

So I was cleaning (I do this from time to time, however this time i was doing it cuz i was moving kid to her own room!!!), and in our walk in closet, our laundry pile had piled up to about 3 feet high.... I did ALL the laundry (thanks to my momma who put money in my bank account!), and in the BACK of the walk in closet......... it smelled like some dog had peed... and then died. It was rank. I threw two sheets away.... But my good friend in Cali had given me a "Real" baby doll (one of those $400 kind, I'm including a pic. Dont be jealous. You know you want a fake doll that looks, feels, & weighs just like a real baby too) and the baby had somehow gotten up in the mix and had like... mold growing on it....
Yeah. It was the nasties. So I lit a candle in there to help with the stank. Then when I was done, I took the candle out. And it spilled a little. Dear God. My cranberry candle spilled on the beige carpet. Boyfriend had just bought me this candle as part of a Get Well gift. I let the wax harden on the carpet... Hopefully I can just cut it out later. When I feel better.

We're NEVER getting back the deposits, are we?
However... All in all... in the grand scheme of things..... I haven't cut myself. Kid hasn't thrown any tantrums really. Things are going REALLY well. For someone who doesn't have a car, or any money, or any tie to any outside civilization...
Oh, and I love you too.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Nothin positive here...

I have hate. And so much more so. I am so sick. I have been sick for awhile now. It sucks so bad.

Apparently, when one is sick, it can appear as if one is NOT sick, and hence everyone around you just thinks you're lazy and should be awakened at all hours of the day and night.

My boyfriend's best friend moved out. Like left 15 minutes ago. Quit his job and moved out. Back to good ole Cali. "Oh Melissa, don't worry. You move up here with your daughter and we'll take care of you and we'll all live together and work everything out and everything will be okay."

The only thing I know is I need to teach my daughter NOW that NO MAN ever tells the truth EVER. In fact, I think it's already too late as she's already 11 years old. I should've started when she was born. How could I have known?? I had no clue men were such bold faced liars.

Oh P.S., My boyfriend says I'm passive-aggressive. I feel bad. That's just a horrible mental-health term for BITCH. And God... He's right.

Don't get me wrong. He deserves it. He's an idiot who befriends ex-girlfriends on Yahoo Connections ("Honey I was trying to DELETE them from my yahoo messenger!"), and even he fell prey to his best friend's MAN-lie about staying here and helping out... you know... with things of semi-importance... like bills... and food... and RENT.

I've been a ungodly psychotic beast, but I've been in agonizing pain with this non-swine flu... It sucks. The apartment is a nightmarish mess... if burglars came in right now, they'd just turn around.. like oh hell no we're not searching thru that mess! (Not to worry tho-- we've got a security guard just in case: See pic of seriously fierce doggies!!)

I don't have money to wash clothes (seriously oregon.. $2 a load???), so kira and i are down to are laaaaaaaast options...... here's a funny post by Don't Make Drugs on how to do laundry... SO reminds me of my idiotic boyfriend.
One positive note: Boyfriend and I can have our OWN room. (Kid will have HER own room!)
Down side: We may not even LAST long enough to get all our stuff moved over into the room....
(cue sad music)
(I know I know... I need to pick everything up.. be the damn savior... boyfriend's struggling at work and is working serious overtime now to make up for nobody else bringing any income in... i just seriously bombed a choice job interview... we're now short a car... Somebody better start prayin')
OH and how funny is it that Cake Wrecks were on the front page of Yahoo news all day today?? So awesome press!!! Except... they posted a post... and then took it down? Was it due to the media? Who knows! Comedy!!!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

To hell with Wordless Wednesdays + Haikus!

The bf asked me to scratch his back "HARD" last nite. I totally did! But ... I kinda said EW EW EW the whole time.... I dont want his nastyass skin cells under my perfectly designed fingernails...
I kid I kid. As if I could afford to have these kindof nails?? But then the bf was all How come you treat me like a 2nd rate citizen all the time? As if I'm so dirty that you can't even scratch me without getting grossed out?

Ummm P.S. .. that kinda came after.... he found out... I'd kinda thrown away some of his stuff... And I had to help him dig it out of the trash can.... He kept saying things like How COULD you throw away my LIMITED EDITION Army of Darkness DVD???? and I paid THIRTY FIVE dollars for this!! (This being a glass pyramid thingy that one of the sides of the pyramid open up... to put something in??? I dont know. I dont understand. Its junk to me. And fuck, cant he just unpack? Our stuff came up 3 1/2 weeks ago. Sheesh. Disgusting.)

I'm kinda laughing rite now. If he ever found out i wrote that he said that...

And then Kandee the makeup artist wrote a blog called Are you hurting or Sad? Except, I follow her on facebook too. So I saw it on my phone this morning when I checked my facebook. And then online again when I got online. And then on here where I follow her on blogger. And dangitall. She's so crazy beautiful. Some people just hit the nail on the head.
People like this have invigorated my frkn LOVE of makeup.

Once upon a time, my exhusband had gotten me the most beautiful little zippy car, a hyundai accent, and then it was stolen. and then stripped. and then set on fire. (i swear we lived in a decent-ish neighborhood... perhaps it was my drug-dealing husband's doings???... we'll never know) So like $200 worth of Avon was *POOF* gone. And 4 pairs of Docs. And allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll my makeup. Now technically.. I dont wear makeup.... except when i do. And lately, ive been feelin sooo bleh. i just want to wear makeup! i used to do drugs. i used to hang out a wee bit in the Hollywood scene. one of my partners in crime had an in at Sebastian makeup (Trucco makeup). we used to get the hookup. i had SOOO much makeup. and even then i only wore it cuz i'd look like hell on wheels not wearing it next to my glamoricious gang. even my coworker used to mock me over my full line of MAC brushes, despite my otherwise grungy shell.

And now the bf's saying, i CAN go to school in January.... I mean ONE of us needs to... We'll be poor and destitute forever... But maybe I can just get a job until then ? And Maybe I can just work at where he started working? U know. The place with the HUGE turnover rate? I love his suggestions..
Me now.... Maybe me in the future? ... <--yes i know who that is hee hee
A haiku is a japenese style poem. It goes 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables.
My life sucks right now
School means 40 bucks an hour
Rent might get paid then
Kids always wants things
Nothing is ever enough
I'm for sure going insane
Boyfriend says loves me
Driving me crazy slowly
I question his love

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Tamed Tuesday

Today I woke up feeling better than usual.
I've discovered we can't "afford" for me to go back to school to be a nurse, so I'll have to return to the lame-o Rat Race, looking for a job (any job!!) that I'll be miserable at for a very long time and will never be able to take the next step in life.
Sadder note: Maybe can't dye my hair pink? Still debating.
You know what would be cool? If I could get a cool job, like this girl here who just started working at a sex shop. Wicked.

Something to be happy about: Just checked the menu, and tonight is Tuna Helper!! Yay!! No slaving away for me tonight!!

The child has met another friend (they only last her about a day or two, max) and is, of course, infatuated with spending every moment over there. Her parents are church-goers, which means that maybe soon we will be too. yay.

I feel so edgy and yucks. And I cannot afford to buy that stupid Wellbutrin, so that shit's just not gonna happen. And everyone's just gonna hafta get over it. I'm a bitch. Oh well. Winter's gonna be rough, that's all.

The boyfriend's best friend keeps spending dollars at work on candy, which of course is toootally just upsetting the boyfriend.... I have no money for my bills, let alone laundry money... Last night I curled my hair. Nobody noticed.

I discovered haikus. But am too lazy to actually employ them. But just so you know, I am in love with them, and do plan on utilizing them in the future.

The boyfriend skipped around a conversation about us getting married this morning. Sigh. It must be love. So I looked online and found another dress. It's not my fault. It fell into my browser. Let's all pray that he's secretly saving up for a beautiful engagement ring, and not another dungeons & dragons toy.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Thursdays tend to suck

O.k., once again, i seem to have made my boyfriend become a despondent, meloncholy nuisance because I am being mean and angry and he deserves it.

I think this is at least the 2nd Thursday in a row this has happened.

He doesn't tell his family about me. This hurts my feelings. What.. I'm supposed to meet them at the wedding?? Are we HAVING a wedding? They don't approve of me?

How am I supposed to be NICE with all the above??

So I am stuck with no job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even have the desire to have friends (he has tons). I can only hope that Adsense through Google eventually does give me some dollars each month?
Yes? Has this happened to anyone else??

Next week I will finally get my cord to my camera so I can upload real photos.

In the meantime, I hafta find a way to make bits of money.......

***cue devious music***