Hallowpeen

I used to love Halloween. When I was a child, my father was southern baptist pastor, I wasn't allowed to watch secular cartoons or go trick or treating. Erego, as an adult, I fell in love with Halloween!!!!

My ex-husband and I half planned an elaborate Halloween dress-up wedding. Then he dragged me to the county clerk becuz I was too psychotic about getting everything planned on time.

Before he left us, Hallowed Eve 2007, we dressed up kid in 3 different costumes. Yes, 3. My child isn't spoiled or anything. But at least she was 9 and could appreciate it! When else is it appropriate to have costume changes?? (Besides maybe you're wedding, and Halloween is as fabulous as a wedding, but annual!!!)

But in '08 he left us in August, and we were basically homeless in October. Kid dressed up as Sharpay from HSM and I was at work. Extended family took her to get her sugar rush.

This year, I haven't been feelin it. I've been just so angry as this was always OUR favorite holiday. The ex-husb and I even painted our whole house red & black and vampire themed. And that was for year-round!!!

I guess boyfriend's always carved pumpkins, so we knew we were gonna do that, and I really wanted to give Kid a normal experience. So we bought pumpkins and carved them. Kid carved about 2 inches worth of the design and gave up. I carved it for her. It was my first carving experience!!! I did AWESOME!! I did Zero. Boyfriend did Jolly Roger or something like that.

AND I get to be all Martha Stewart and bake pumpkin seeds because boyfriend eats anything edible, so that will get to be his snack tomorrow!!!

Yesterday, boyfriend annoyed me to talk to him (He hates when i'm "quiet")... Shortly after I started talking to him... He announced I was

AWAKENING THE SLEEPING DRAGON

NOT a sexual comment. He was actually stating that I was obnoxiously bothering him to the point that his inner dragon was AWAKENING!!

Later in bed:

Boyfriend: How are we gonna split the monies when you get a job?

Me: You'll pay all the bills, and whatever you can't afford, I'll pay.

Boyfriend: That's not fair... wait for it... cuz I might need spending money sometimes.

Me: What for?

Boyfriend: Cuz what if I want to....wait for it... buy a GAME or something?

NOT AN ENGAGEMENT RING.

NOT HOUSE SUPPLIES.

NOT CAR MAINTENANCE.

GAMES.

I love my gamer.

I wish I could be vegetarian. I fucking wish. I swear y'all I'm trying. I swear.

Nat's Nest wrote a blog with a post to CNN's article on MEAT. Go fucking read it.

Then send me your vegetarian recipes that my kid might actually eat.

I can't remember anything else to write.

I used to be smart. OH YEAH, I found my best friend from college (I only went one year before I dropped out and got knocked up) on facebook, and she & I had a grand ole time remembering the old days... And she reminded me: I DID used to be smart.

Here's a pic of us. Drinking. At a Halloween party!!! LOOOVE halloween!

But I'm determined to re-do this blog site so that the angles aren't all jenky.

I have to write up the dimensions, I know.

But someday, you'll see, It'll be allllll purtyful here!!!!

So dress up and smile your best. Spook someone. Let a spider live free. Watch the Addams Family.

Enjoy Halloween!!

Take your pills children

I dont want to type, but always hallucinate I'm blogging.

I do re-writes and edits.

It's sick I know.

Essentially, for the past 10 days or so, I've been missing/skipping 1 of the 2 doses of my daily meds. Not on purpose. I forget.

I have to take it with food (Lithium alone = gut wrenching pain & light-headedness), and I don't usually eat until lunch or dinner.

Having said that.... Not taking Lithium correctly... Well folks, it's not recommended.

Example A: Boyfriend takes kid and I to Dollar Tree for Halloween cards for our few remaining loved ones in California, and then to Winco to buy remaining grocery list and pumpkins to carve! (No time till the last minute, right??)
In portland, it seems to have always rained just a little bit earlier, so the roads are always kinda wet.... And boyfriend's driving.. well it aint so good. And Kid? She seems to not have the Mute button on her mouth once again.
I thought I was going to throw myself out of the car, or walk home before we even got to the 1st store. I kept saying "IM NOT IN THE MOOOD", but they didn't seem to get it.

Much later, I did tell boyfriend about missed doses and he immediately backed off. In Fear.
But, I couldn't tell them while i was IN my mini-attack, because I could just FEEL the TEARS right at the ducts, just waiting for me to say something about my fragile emotional state so they could POUR out everywhere, giving away my secret of lack of control over my OWN DAMN EMOTIONS.

I had a job interview today.
IT WENT SOOOO WELL.

But the people put me in a room by myself for a few minutes before they came in to interview me.

I almost left. It was horrid. I was doubled over and rocking. I was soo nervous.

I DID learn my lesson.

Today, I ate daughter's bagel for breakfast so I could cram my pills into my gullet.

And I took the 2nd dose at dinner time, when i would NORMALLY be just remembering my 1st dose!!!

Yay for me!!!

Maybe by next week, I'll be back to myself, and I won't think boyfriend doesn't love me anymore. (I mean, does everyone's boyfriends play with themselves on such a regular basis???)

p.s. He's quite the little computer buff, so if he figures out my password, which i need to remember to change right now, or my site address, then HI HONEY, I LOVE YOU.

Not dead yet!

Sooooooo I'm STILL sick. I have officially been in Oregon 5 1/2 weeks, and have been sick all but ONE of those weeks. WEAK. My old coworker says my immune system took a hit from the stress of the move. I'm apt to believe her. Cuz otherwise, I'd have swine flu. And I don't. I never had a fever. I had one week of really feelin allright, and then daughter woke me up at 5:30 a.m. coughing all over me.

I've given myself till the end of this week to be better. I'm mostly better. I still have this cough, as if I'm still a smoker. In fact, if I still smoked, this would all make sense!

Apparently swine flu is going around boyfriend's work. Like REAL bad. Even one employee DIED from it. So they're shuttin the place down this weekend to decontaminate. But until then, everyone just has to keep workin. And boyfriend was a premie so he has a weak immune system, so if he gets it, it's CURTAINS! Except... the guy who sits next to him actually is HIV positive, so HE'S super-pissed! If they miss any work, they get fired. Soooooo..... go to work... possibly die.... What more can you ask for for $10/hour right?

So thus far in Oregon, I have.... bombed two interviews MISERABLY.

The most important thing is: I'm learning to deal with my jealousy issues. I get so psycho mad at boyfriend..... But it's my issues that are causing it. My husband left me 14 months ago. Just decided to not be with me anymore. And because of him, I have doubt in all men.

Boyfriend got a card from California. And damnitall if it wasn't all addressed to him in a GIRL'S handwriting. It took everything I had not to open it...... Thank God it was hours before he came home.... I just had to learn to TRUST him and to trust that he loves ME. It was from his old church group in Calif.

I have to learn to let go and to allow him to have a past and to have friends and acquaintances. It's honestly taking quite a bit.

But.. he's pretty awesome. Like a golden retriever. Every morning wakes up and tells me he loves me.

We have this apartment. And his mom put down an additional $350 pet fee deposit (so i was told) when boyfriend moved in.... First we had boyfriend's two dogs, but they didn't like it here, so they went back to cali to be w/ wicked mother. Then we had my two dogs, but one of my dogs.... well he just wasn't quite right... And we didn't have the money to take him to the vet to take care of his skin condition, blah blah blah. So we took him to the humane society (which has a 99% adoption rate), so hopefully he'll find his place with a really old woman.

So I was cleaning (I do this from time to time, however this time i was doing it cuz i was moving kid to her own room!!!), and in our walk in closet, our laundry pile had piled up to about 3 feet high.... I did ALL the laundry (thanks to my momma who put money in my bank account!), and in the BACK of the walk in closet......... it smelled like some dog had peed... and then died. It was rank. I threw two sheets away.... But my good friend in Cali had given me a "Real" baby doll (one of those $400 kind, I'm including a pic. Dont be jealous. You know you want a fake doll that looks, feels, & weighs just like a real baby too) and the baby had somehow gotten up in the mix and had like... mold growing on it....
Yeah. It was the nasties. So I lit a candle in there to help with the stank. Then when I was done, I took the candle out. And it spilled a little. Dear God. My cranberry candle spilled on the beige carpet. Boyfriend had just bought me this candle as part of a Get Well gift. I let the wax harden on the carpet... Hopefully I can just cut it out later. When I feel better.

We're NEVER getting back the deposits, are we?

However... All in all... in the grand scheme of things..... I haven't cut myself. Kid hasn't thrown any tantrums really. Things are going REALLY well. For someone who doesn't have a car, or any money, or any tie to any outside civilization...

Oh, and I love you too.